I love my wife and just got back from our honeymoon in SF (after 5 years together), where we incidentally dropped by the armory bar, since the tours were sold out for the dates that we were there, but Kink University has become an important part of our life.
I have been stressed to the limit with catching up on work since then, and within that context I made the mistake of watching the video on poly with her. This pushed me beyond my strained coping abilities.
My wife is happy in our relationship but has expressed an interest in having a lover on the side for variety, and for achieving the NRE that Nina speaks of.
I can warm up to many things including the idea of casual sex with good friends as well as swinging, which I have been working towards exploring - taking the lead to make things less threatening, but poly is my worst nightmare and it is the one boundary that has not moved in my voyage of discovery. Multiple loving bonds of friendship are essential and the idea of casual sex with carefully screened friends or strangers under controlled situations is hot and seems like it could be safe and rewarding, but an intimate outside relationship fueled by sexual attraction is something that on self-reflection, I cannot imagine surviving my partner doing. As a mater of principle I don't want to discourage her from anything, but I seriously doubt that I could personally handle it unless I lost my libido or stopped caring about her and stopped wanting to share my life with her.
I will be exploring why I am so violently opposed to this, and I will also continue doing everything that I can to ensure that she is fulfilled within a relationship that I can be part of, but I also want tools for protecting and strengthening my relationship with her and keeping things that we cannot handle in our relationship in the realm of fantasies explored through alternatives that are safer to our relationship.
I have reached out to a therapist on the KAP and am waiting to hear back.
I have started discussing these issues with more of my friends.
I acknowledge the attractiveness of some types of poly situations but the down-sides and risks seem too great for me. Life is too good without this complication.
Even though it is something that she has expressed as a possible need in the distant future that might or might not come to fruition, I am really struggling with this and it is affecting my ability to work and sleep. I welcome your thoughts on my situation, as again, I am really struggling.
